From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Andreas Heldal-Lund [www.xenu.net])
Subject: A Message and Picture From The ARSCC Librarian
JUST RECEIVED IN THE CLAMBAKE MAILBOX, SEE ENCLOSED IMAGE POSTED TO
[START FORWARDED MAIL]
FOR FORWARDING TO A.R.S.
Love and kisses from your favorite, most lovable ARSCC Librarian! (I
just *know* I'm your favorite and most lovable ARSCC Librarian, because
I'm the only one you've got, silly! Here, let me wipe that lipstick off
You may be thinking that this is some kind of joke or something; I know
that neither you nor anyone else in A.R.S. has heard from me since back
in April, when Zed absolutely broke my heart, and left me waiting at the
A/V room door, and you probably thought I was gone for good.
But it's *really me*!
A girl has to mend her broken heart *somehow*, so I closed up the ARSCC
Chimerical Library for a while, and took part of the summer to bask on
the sands in the Carribbean (no, that is *not* why Bob Minton was down
there--really!), and to bask in the lavished attention of bronze-bodied
men who really were interested in me for my mind. No, really!
Well, be that as it may, there are just *too* many Mai-Tai-soaked
stories from *that* little sojourn for me to bore you with them all
Then Mom had me come and stay with her for a while. (Which was fine, I
guess, except the woman *can* go on with her lectures about the fickle
nature of men. Sheesh!) She bolstered my spirits with home-made soups
and just *loads* of new Laura Ashley dresses that are spec-*tac*-ular,
and she had me watch lots of Martha Stewart on TV, and wa-a-a-y too much
of Robert Schuller in that crystal thing-- Well, never mind; you
probably don't get him over there. (Count your blessings!)
Anywa-a-a-a-ayz. I just *know* you've got ga-ZILLIONS of things to do,
so I'll get right *to* it.
I finally had enough of Mom (bless her cynical heart), and I just got to
longing for the old Library. Heartaches and all, dadgummit, I *missed*
the place! Can you imagine?! And I just knew nobody else was ever going
to run it *quite* the way I had.
So one day, a week or so ago, I decided: I loaded up my exquisite new
dresses, bid Mom bye-bye, and watched her in the rear-view--standing
there by the driveway wiping her eyes and waving as I drove off back to
The dear old ivy-grown ARSCC Chimerical Library was just as I remembered
it. The key was right where it was supposed to be, under the... Oh, I'd
better not say. Anyway, it was right where I had left it for the ARSCC
D/Janitor for Libraries, Statues, and Park Benches (ARSCC D/JLSPB)--so
he could take in the mail, and could water (and feed--euuwww!) the cute
little Venus Fly-Trap, and could try and keep a lightbulb working back
in the cloakroom, and could generally take care of the place while I was
I creaked open the old door, and was hit by a rush of nostalgia that
almost knocked me *over*! I walked slowly around the place, my hand
grazing the dusty books, my high heels making that familiar echoing
sound on the wood floors. Wiping a pesky old tear off my cheek, I heaved
a deep sigh, uncovered the furniture, said hello to that cutie-wutie
little fly-trap, and put on a pot of coffee.
I couldn't believe it; I was *home*!
But, oh, Andreas! The *mail*! The *filing*! The *back-logs*! You just
have *no* idea! Well, you know me: I pushed up my Laura Ashley sleeves
and got *right* down to business (as soon as I had poured a steaming,
heavenly, aromatic cup full of hot, black coffee into my "XENU IS
It took me *days* to get caught up. I didn't want to let anybody know I
was back, because--well, you know how you *boys* are. I just *never* get
any work done when you're around <wink!>.
So, there I was one day, sitting in what I like to call my own private
little "windowless corridor" behind the Reference Section (where we have
the carpet so it's really Q-U-I-E-T, and is easy on the knees if you
have to--well, get something off the bottom shelves). There I was,
minding my own business, at my own little desk, looking at the Lenske
dossier that *somebody* had sent to me (just who, I can't say), when I
hear somebody out in the main part of the Library calling, "Yoo-hoo!
Well! The short story is (*how* do these things get so long?) that
*somebody* very near and dear to my heart was there to welcome me back.
And what a welcome! They had a brand new toy they wanted to try out on
me! (Oh, get your mind out of the gutter, Andreas! You boys!)
They had a new digital camera, and wanted to take *my* picture! Can you
imagine?! *Me?* I tried to tell them no, but-- Well, I *did* have on one
of my new dresses, and I *had* just gotten my hair done, and I *was*
just finishing doing my nails, so I *was* thinking about maybe saying
yes, when...FUH-LASH! And I was captured in pixels! I mean, I wasn't
But, as Mom likes to say, "What's done is done." And so I wound up with
this little picture of myself, and I just didn't know *what* I ought to
do with it. Then I thought, well, shucks! Why not send it to A.R.S.! I
mean, I had it as a digital picture, and all.
And then I found out: well, *NO* (thank you very much!), you can't
*send* pictures to A.R.S. So *then* I heard about
alt.binaries.scientology (A.B.S.), and I thought, well, great! I'll just
send it there! And then I found out: well, *NO* (thank you very much!),
there aren't any anonymous remailers that will *post* to binary groups!
Well, I was *so* miffed then that I almost just *erased* the darn thing
off of the ARSCC Chimerical Library's computer. I mean I was *that-->
<--far* from pulling the trigger on it, when I suddenly thought...
"Waaa-i-i-i-t a minute! Maybe I can send it to one of my friends at
A.R.S., and *they* would be sweet enough to post it for me!"
And that's why you're getting this letter, darling, sweet Andreas! I've
seen how helpful you've been to, like, perfect *strangers* when they've
sent you something and asked you to forward it for them. And I just
*knew* I could count on you to help out a poor, helpless little ol'
Librarian like yours truly.
I can, can't I, you dear, dear, love? If you would be so sweet as to
forward this message on to A.R.S., and to forward my picture on to
A.B.S., I would be *so-o-o-o* grateful, that I just don't know *what* I
could do to thank you! (But, if you, like, *think* of something, let me
Well, that's about it for now. I'll be sending my picture separately, at
the same time I send this message to you. If for any reason you don't
get the picture, let me know through A.R.S, would you, instead of
posting this? I mean, I don't want this message to go to A.R.S., and
then no picture show up! I don't want anybody to think I'm just a
*tease* or something awful like that!
But if you get both the picture *and* this message, and will be sweet
and loveable enough to post both (to their proper places), I will just
be tickled *everywhere*!
Well, I have got to run. There is so-o-o-o much STUFF to sort through
and get ready for posting to A.R.S. (You should just *see* that Lenske
dossier! And the others I got! Sheesh!)
Please send my love to everybody on A.R.S., and let them know they'll be
hearing from me real soon now! Kisses, kisses, kisses!
--<The ARSCC Librarian>
P.S. Please let Zed know that I'm not mad at him. He's too smart for a
girl to stay mad at him for long. (Even though I probably *was* right
all along. Hmpf! But I miss him, anyway!)
P.P.S. Please tell that cute, cute, darling Sheriff Ron that Mom says,
"Every gun needs a holster." Whatever *that* means!
P.P.P.S. I hope Sister Clara and Marina Chong are doing well. Please say
"Hi!" to them for me. I am still *so* humbled by them going to all the
trouble of putting up a web page with my posts on them that... Well, I'm
just embarrassed, that's all! But let them know that this picture I am
sending you is *not* copyrighted, and is free for all to do with as they
like. (Gosh, I just hope *somebody* gets the bugs ironed out of those
darn digital cameras so they don't, like, cut off people's heads and
what have you!)
*The ARSCC, like its picture-not-suitable-for-a-milk-carton Librarian,
does not exist.
[END FORWARDED MAIL]
PS: Check out the image in ABS!!!
Best wishes, Andreas Heldal-Lund
Operation Clambake: www.xenu.net SP4 & Adm. TOXE CXI
If we value the pursuit of knowledge, we must be free to follow
wherever that search may lead us. The free mind is no barking
dog to be tethered on a ten-foot chain. - Adlai E. Stevenson