4 March 1998:
ZED, HONEY, I'VE GOT WHAT YOU NEED!
The Librarian asks Zed for a date! Revisiting their last encounter, The Librarian has some new evidence she wants to show to Zed concerning altered works being sold with the name "L. Ron Hubbard" on them. In this message, she introduces Zed to a booklet being sent out by IRS called "A Description of the Scientology Religion." She explains how "the Scientology religion" is different than just plain old "Scientology," and is the term under which the "derived from" and "based on the works of" altered versions are being sold. But for further evidence, she has a film she wants to show him, and she wants him to meet her for a date in the A/V Room of the ARSCC Chimerical Library the following night. LIBRARIAN TRIVIA: This is the beginning of the end for the great team of Zed and The Librarian. They might not have ever achieved the stature of Burns and Allen, but they had seemed like a perfect pair. Zed, though, will soon have a parting of the minds with The Librarian over this matter of the altered versions of L. Ron Hubbard's works. He stands her up for their date, breaking the poor little Librarian's heart, as she sadly recounts in her next message. Further trivia: In this message, somebody has finally put a light bulb in the cloakroom for The Librarian.
From: The Librarian <NOBODY@REPLAY.COM>
Subject: ZED, HONEY, I'VE GOT WHAT YOU NEED!
Well, I came back from powdering my whatever, and I walked over to the
Reference Desk to get that "Description of the Scientology Religion"
that the IRS had been thoughtful enough to send to me (like I was a
whole *country* or something!), and...it was *GONE*!
I swear, I just puckered up *everywhere*! It was *GONE*!
I knew darn well I had left it *right* *here* next to my "Xenu is
Grumpy" coffee mug on the desk. But the front door was standing, like,
*wide* open, and the silly thing was nowhere in sight!
I was *frantic*! I called the Sheriff, but got a message saying he was
down at the Library looking up abstracts. Down at the Library? This
*is* the Library, and the Sheriff sure as shootin' wasn't *here*!
Okay. So. I'm on my own. Deep breath. Count to two. Okay. Now, I have
to look around. So I did. And there it was, sitting on the rolling
book cart over by...<GASP!>...The ARSCC Chimerical Library's
Scamizdat(tm) Scanner! Who could have done *that*?!
I snatched it up and clutched it to my breast, then ran to the front
door and looked up and down the street, but there was nobody and
nothin' nowhere in sight. So I ran back through the Library, through
the cramped little cloakroom to the back door, *threw* it open--nobody
in sight. I closed it and locked it and turned around
thoughtfully...and then I saw the light! (No, silly--I didn't get
*religion*!) I mean, the LIGHT! Somebody had changed the lightbulb in
<GULP!> Who could have done *that*? Was it that ARSCC Assistant
Janitor for Libraries and Park Benches (ARSCC A/JLPB)? Of course; it
*had* to have been him. And no telling *what* he might do! He gives me
the willies, what with those greenish buck teeth, and those little
white *dollops* on his coveralls all the time; I mean, the man just
spends *too* much time around pigeons. Oh, well; at least I had the
booklet back safe and sound.
So I took it back to the Reference Desk, opened it, adjusted my
pantyhose (well, nobody was around), and started thumbing through it
(the booklet, I mean). And, Zed, honey, if you're out there somewhere,
I think I found *just* what you need.
Remember a few weeks ago, we were talking over a glass of bubbly about
"Scientology" and "the Scientology Religion?" Well! Do you know they
actually had the audacity to tell the truth *right here* in this
little booklet that the IRS sent out? It's a fact! I mean, the *gall*!
Especially after all these copyright shennanigans we've been talking
about. But here it is in black and white. I'll read it to you:
"Scientology is an applied religious philosophy. Its goal
is to bring an individual to an understanding of himself
and his life as a spiritual being and in relationship to
the universe as a whole.
"The Scientology religion is based exclusively upon
L. Ron Hubbard's research, writings and recorded lectures."
Whoa! That's slips by as slick as a licked finger, doesn't it! I mean,
it *sounds* like they are talking about all one thing, as long as
we're as stupid as they hope we are. But we aren't, are we. See, they
first describe Scientology the way it was originally defined, then
they slip in that sweet little defintion of "The Scientology
Religion," like it's all of a piece.
I love the language: "BASED exclusively UPON." Zed, do you think a
lawyer might have written that? I do. Some dried up, dessicated, lying
prune with a limp, shriveled noodle, is what I think. The kind the IRS
must love, because THE IRS SENT THIS OUT!
See, only a snake-bellied shyster--you know, like the guys who run CST
now and the ones who created the CTCC--would have dreamed up putting
"exclusively" in there, hoping we wouldn't notice that what the
sentence *really* says is just, "based upon." So the "Scientology
religion" doesn't have to *BE* L. Ron Hubbard's research, writing, or
recorded lectures at all; it just has to be "based upon" those. That
means that Sherman Lenske and his cronies at CST--who own *ALL* the
copyrights--now have official IRS approval (since the IRS
contractually endorsed this "Description of the Scientology Religion")
to sell *ANYTHING THEY WANT TO SELL* as "the Scientology religion," as
long as it has *some* connection to Hubbard's work.
They can merrily rewrite it, twist it, change it, do anything they
damn well please, package it and sell it to Scientologists, and the
Scientologists can't complain about it, or even *sue* them for it! Did
you know that? Oh, I guess I might have forgotten to mention that
part. Hmm-m-m-m. Well, it's getting kind of late, and this is getting
kind of long, so I won't go into why Scientologists can't do anything
about it right now.
But tomorrow's another day, and--I'll tell you what: let's have a
little rendezvous in the A/V room tomorrow night. I'll let you in the
back door <Wink!>. I think I've got a little something you ought to
see. Want a hint? Want a peek? Want me to pull aside the slit in my
too-short pleated skirt? You *WOULD*! Men! No, Zed, I think I'll save
it for tomorrow night. Oh, I can hardly *wait*! But I'll give you a
hint: it has something to do with a film, a film called,
You *will* come--won't you?
--<The ARSCC Librarian>
P.S. Bring buttered popcorn, and we'll get our fingers all slick and
*The ARSCC, like its sticky-fingered Librarian, does not exist.