From: The Librarian <NOBODY@REPLAY.COM>
Subject: Re: The Missing Ten Months
Well, it's almost *just* like Men's-Read-And-Play day here at the
ARSCC Chimerical Library, because we always play "Simon Says." (You
know, like, "Simon Says 'touch your elbows behind your back.'" The
guys are *always* getting me to do *that* one for some reason. Sheesh!
Or, "Simon Says 'touch your heels behind your head.'" I mean,they must
think I'm some kind of *contortionist* or something!) And now
Simon5@webtv.net drops in, and Simon Says:
>"The Missing Ten Months"--by Anonymous--
>an amazing piece of fiction.
>I understand that the sequel is going to be "The Missing Ten
>Months of Life it Took To Compose Endless Garbage".
Why, Simon! Welcome to the ARSCC Chimerical Library! Would you be
willing to come by and lead the ARS Men in "Simon Says" on our next
Men's-Read-And-Play day? I just *know* they would love to play with
you (and, frankly, they are wearing me *out*!).
But, Simon, *I* wouldn't mind having a little fun with *you*, sweetie,
<Wink!>, if you know what I mean. So how about you and I play...
STUMP THE LIBRARIAN!
If you don't know the rules, it's REAL easy.
See, YOU said that "The Missing Ten Months" is fiction. Well, you
know, I read that darn thing, and started checking it out, and I had
to file it in the REFERENCE section here at the ARSCC Chimerical
Library, because--the opening allegation notwithstanding--I couldn't
find ONE DARN *THING* in there that couldn't be backed up with HARD
FACTS. (And, Simon, honey, my knees just go *weak* over HARD FACTS!
They make my softest parts go pert!)
So, Simon, all *you* have to do to STUMP THE LIBRARIAN is give me ONE
statement from "The Missing Ten Months" that you claim is not backed
up by HARD FACT somewhere. Just *ONE*!
Then *I* have to find some documentation to *prove* that the statement
you chose from "The Missing Ten Months" is *accurate* according to
If I can't, then you have STUMPED THE LIBRARIAN!
Now, I have to make three special rules in this case:
1. You can ONLY pick from the paragraphs that have dates (which is,
like, 95% of the darned thing, so--big deal!).
2. You must exclude the parenthetical "commentary" at the end of some
of the paragraphs, 'cause they're just, like, well, *comments.*
3. You must specifically exclude the opening allegation that "L. Ron
Hubbard was abducted by agents of the United States government." Why?
Because, honey, I am *NOT* with the CIA, FBI, IRS, DOJ, DOD, NSC, CST,
RTC, or any of those other alphabet-soup-groups who would *know*. You
*may* include the rest of that paragraph, since it DOES include a
So, Simon...are you ready to play STUMP THE LIBRARIAN?
I *promise* you I can make it worth your while.
I'll be waiting, Simon, with parted, wet lips and labored breath. Come
on, Simon, honey. Won't you *please* play with me!
--<The ARSCC Librarian>
P.S. Zed, Sheriff Ron, David, Ace--*all* you other sexy, studious boys
out there. You *know* I love you all, and that you are welcome to jump
in any time and try to STUMP THE LIBRARIAN! I'll be waiting!
P.P.S. Simon--Just in case you didn't know, STUMP THE LIBRARIAN is a
*The ARSCC, like its "won't-somebody-play-with-me" Librarian, does not