LIBRARIAN
WE LOVE THE ARSCC LIBRARIAN!
4 March 1998:
ZED, HONEY, I'VE GOT WHAT YOU NEED!
The Librarian asks Zed for a date! Revisiting their last encounter, The Librarian has some new evidence she wants to show to Zed concerning altered works being sold with the name "L. Ron Hubbard" on them. In this message, she introduces Zed to a booklet being sent out by IRS called "A Description of the Scientology Religion." She explains how "the Scientology religion" is different than just plain old "Scientology," and is the term under which the "derived from" and "based on the works of" altered versions are being sold. But for further evidence, she has a film she wants to show him, and she wants him to meet her for a date in the A/V Room of the ARSCC Chimerical Library the following night. LIBRARIAN TRIVIA: This is the beginning of the end for the great team of Zed and The Librarian. They might not have ever achieved the stature of Burns and Allen, but they had seemed like a perfect pair. Zed, though, will soon have a parting of the minds with The Librarian over this matter of the altered versions of L. Ron Hubbard's works. He stands her up for their date, breaking the poor little Librarian's heart, as she sadly recounts in her next message. Further trivia: In this message, somebody has finally put a light bulb in the cloakroom for The Librarian.
From: The Librarian <NOBODY@REPLAY.COM> Subject: ZED, HONEY, I'VE GOT WHAT YOU NEED! Date: 1998/03/04 Message-ID: <199803040835.JAA08256@basement.replay.com> Newsgroups: alt.religion.scientology Well, I came back from powdering my whatever, and I walked over to the Reference Desk to get that "Description of the Scientology Religion" that the IRS had been thoughtful enough to send to me (like I was a whole *country* or something!), and...it was *GONE*! I swear, I just puckered up *everywhere*! It was *GONE*! I knew darn well I had left it *right* *here* next to my "Xenu is Grumpy" coffee mug on the desk. But the front door was standing, like, *wide* open, and the silly thing was nowhere in sight! I was *frantic*! I called the Sheriff, but got a message saying he was down at the Library looking up abstracts. Down at the Library? This *is* the Library, and the Sheriff sure as shootin' wasn't *here*! Okay. So. I'm on my own. Deep breath. Count to two. Okay. Now, I have to look around. So I did. And there it was, sitting on the rolling book cart over by...<GASP!>...The ARSCC Chimerical Library's Scamizdat(tm) Scanner! Who could have done *that*?! I snatched it up and clutched it to my breast, then ran to the front door and looked up and down the street, but there was nobody and nothin' nowhere in sight. So I ran back through the Library, through the cramped little cloakroom to the back door, *threw* it open--nobody in sight. I closed it and locked it and turned around thoughtfully...and then I saw the light! (No, silly--I didn't get *religion*!) I mean, the LIGHT! Somebody had changed the lightbulb in the cloakroom! <GULP!> Who could have done *that*? Was it that ARSCC Assistant Janitor for Libraries and Park Benches (ARSCC A/JLPB)? Of course; it *had* to have been him. And no telling *what* he might do! He gives me the willies, what with those greenish buck teeth, and those little white *dollops* on his coveralls all the time; I mean, the man just spends *too* much time around pigeons. Oh, well; at least I had the booklet back safe and sound. So I took it back to the Reference Desk, opened it, adjusted my pantyhose (well, nobody was around), and started thumbing through it (the booklet, I mean). And, Zed, honey, if you're out there somewhere, I think I found *just* what you need. Remember a few weeks ago, we were talking over a glass of bubbly about "Scientology" and "the Scientology Religion?" Well! Do you know they actually had the audacity to tell the truth *right here* in this little booklet that the IRS sent out? It's a fact! I mean, the *gall*! Especially after all these copyright shennanigans we've been talking about. But here it is in black and white. I'll read it to you: "Scientology is an applied religious philosophy. Its goal is to bring an individual to an understanding of himself and his life as a spiritual being and in relationship to the universe as a whole. "The Scientology religion is based exclusively upon L. Ron Hubbard's research, writings and recorded lectures." Whoa! That's slips by as slick as a licked finger, doesn't it! I mean, it *sounds* like they are talking about all one thing, as long as we're as stupid as they hope we are. But we aren't, are we. See, they first describe Scientology the way it was originally defined, then they slip in that sweet little defintion of "The Scientology Religion," like it's all of a piece. I love the language: "BASED exclusively UPON." Zed, do you think a lawyer might have written that? I do. Some dried up, dessicated, lying prune with a limp, shriveled noodle, is what I think. The kind the IRS must love, because THE IRS SENT THIS OUT! See, only a snake-bellied shyster--you know, like the guys who run CST now and the ones who created the CTCC--would have dreamed up putting "exclusively" in there, hoping we wouldn't notice that what the sentence *really* says is just, "based upon." So the "Scientology religion" doesn't have to *BE* L. Ron Hubbard's research, writing, or recorded lectures at all; it just has to be "based upon" those. That means that Sherman Lenske and his cronies at CST--who own *ALL* the copyrights--now have official IRS approval (since the IRS contractually endorsed this "Description of the Scientology Religion") to sell *ANYTHING THEY WANT TO SELL* as "the Scientology religion," as long as it has *some* connection to Hubbard's work. They can merrily rewrite it, twist it, change it, do anything they damn well please, package it and sell it to Scientologists, and the Scientologists can't complain about it, or even *sue* them for it! Did you know that? Oh, I guess I might have forgotten to mention that part. Hmm-m-m-m. Well, it's getting kind of late, and this is getting kind of long, so I won't go into why Scientologists can't do anything about it right now. But tomorrow's another day, and--I'll tell you what: let's have a little rendezvous in the A/V room tomorrow night. I'll let you in the back door <Wink!>. I think I've got a little something you ought to see. Want a hint? Want a peek? Want me to pull aside the slit in my too-short pleated skirt? You *WOULD*! Men! No, Zed, I think I'll save it for tomorrow night. Oh, I can hardly *wait*! But I'll give you a hint: it has something to do with a film, a film called, "Orientation." You *will* come--won't you? --<The ARSCC Librarian> P.S. Bring buttered popcorn, and we'll get our fingers all slick and lickey. OoooOOOooo! ---------------------------------------------------------------- *The ARSCC, like its sticky-fingered Librarian, does not exist. |